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Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm Doing It, Damn It!

It's taken me 4 years to write this post. Not this post, specifically, but my first blog post. I've attempted to blog I-don't-know-how-many times since 2008 and just couldn't get past coming up with a catchy name. Well, I'm doing it now, damn it! So, welcome to my first post.

Let me introduce myself: My name is Ivy. I'm a wannabe author and stay-at-home-mom. I love writing, reading, watching movies, all things Disney and true crime stories. I hate the usual stuff--diarrhea, cold speculums, and weak handshakes that remind me of grabbing a flacid penis. Oh, and massages. Ewww! Some stranger rubbing on me for an hour does NOT relax me. You wanna relax me? Use those "magic hands" of yours to fold my laundry.

My Family
Since I don't have a job to bitch about or something to sell, my family will probably be the main topic of this blog. To protect the innocent--and the easily embarrassed--I'll give them nicknames.
  • Hubs: The man to which I'm emotionally and legally bound. He's tall, dark, handsome and unfailingly supportive of all my crazy whims and ventures.
  • Son: Our 12-year-old, who considers "no" the beginning of the conversation. He's also the most kindhearted kid I know. Luckily, middle school hasn't sucked the sweetness out of him ... yet.
  • Daughter: Our 9-year-old, who wouldn't know low self esteem if it smacked her in the face. She's gorgeous, smart, and talented--what's not to love?
  • Grandma: My mother, who holds a large part of my heart and will soon have one of my kidneys, too.
  • Sassy, our 13-year-old yorkie who has an unnatural attachment to me (If she had opposable thumbs, she'd probably call my cell phone every ten minutes when I'm not home)
  • Phineas and Ferb, our yorkie pups. Hubs and I like to pretend they cuss like drunken sailors.

Why Mommy Dourest?
Well, aside from the fact that it's a really clever title (if I do say so myself, and I do), I sometimes feel like the grumpiest mom alive. I love my kids, I really do. But, if I see one more GoGurt wrapper on the counter five inches from the garbage, I may kill them.

I have some pretty awesome kids. That said, there are those rare occasions when I want to sneak out under the cover of darkness and change my name. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but moms who say they love every day with their children are full of crap ... or heavily medicated.

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So, now that you know a little about me, I'm hoping this will be the start of a long, albeit mostly one-sided, relationship.